I’ve always enjoyed being able to say I lived in New York City. A lot of people have a lot of opinions and thoughts about New York, and New Yorkers, and I relished in the conversation that followed no matter the reaction. So I’ll miss that. But what I’m feeling a lot of as the move gets closer (T-minus four days and counting…) is guilt.
Run of the mill guilt, sure, garden-variety: I’m leaving my friends behind, I’m dragging my daughter away from her friends, her school, the only life she’s ever known…. but kids are resilient. And she’s been begging us for a “real home” for half her life. She’ll adapt. And my friends? I will see my friends. I’m not leaving forever, or very far really. I’ll eventually be in the city quite a bit when things regain some sense of normalcy - for work, entertainment. So that’s not the guilt that’s nagging at me.
For me, the guilt- the elephant in the room- is part of the national conversation we’re having about race. White flight. Abandoning urban areas because of the privilege to do so. And I don’t mean to say we’re living in a depressed socioeconomic neighborhood. While certainly ethnically diverse, the gentrification of our neighborhood started after we moved into it, and is pretty much fully realized at this point. We have a Starbucks AND Cafe Bark (yeah, a coffee shop and doggie fashion boutique where four-legged friends are welcome). But that doesn’t mean that we are immune. Our leaving- although just one small small family- is happening in the middle of quite an exodus from New York. In time, this pattern of migration will have an impact on education and social programs funding, opportunity and success for small business- and we’re part of it. And I feel it.
I feel the pang that I’m leaving my home, my city - when maybe it needs me most. No, New York is not dead, nor will it die because my family or other privileged families are leaving. It may be take a hit in the here and now, in the near future - but it will come back. It will almost assuredly be different, but it will still be one of the greatest damn cities on the planet. I feel that too, I do. But that I’m the tiniest part of of any detriment to this town is something I also feel deeply.
You might say I have every right to look out for my family, for myself. And of course I do. But I have that right because of my privilege. And If I have that right, so do all the other families scattering away now. And if they do too, then who’s left? The folks that can’t, that don’t have that privilege. They should have the right to look out for their families too, right? in the end, my guilt isn’t stopping me from reaching out for what I hope is something fresh and new, and maybe even better- but I’m not sweeping it away either. I’m not forgetting those that could truly be left behind in life, that can’t count on what should be their right. We’re not leaving because of the moment, but the moment we’re in is when we’re leaving. I’m not giving myself a pass.
I said New York has been one of the greatest loves of my life. I won’t be here like I’ve been, but I’ll always be here for the people in my city. Call it guilt, call it a sense of duty. But I’m not going to forget.
[Photo credit Vivienne Gucwa https://nycphoto.smugmug.com/]